As a responsible Earth citizen, I keep myself informed of malevolent forces that from time to time, rise up from the depths of Hell to molest and corrode our moral fiber. (Think of the children!) Thankfully, I'm not alone in this fight. Recently, fellow defenders of wholesome values identified (for a nominal fee) the surface headquarters of Sin to be none other than video game publisher Take Two Interactive and its henchman divison, Rockstar Games. For years they have worked hand-in-hand to implant seeds of cartoon violence and awkward sexual deviancy in the minds of our young in the hope that one day they will blossom into destructive weeds that threaten to choke our entire specie to extinction. So it was with much urgency that I procured a copy of their latest, and obviously bloodsoaked offering, 'Rockstar Presents: Table Tennis', in order to understand what the children of this uncertain time are to face.

Table Tennis – the Devil's Red Right Hand

Since the realm of professional sports is no stranger to sinful sins, I expected Table Tennis to be no different. Bracing myself for an onslaught of violence, profanity, drug use and inappropriate sexual advances in the locker room, I was perturbed when none came. What greeted me upon booting up the game was a simple menu interface bearing the Rockstar trademark visual style of retro-chic. No bold flashing neon signs of sin anywhere in sight, just the option to play in the single-player Tournament Mode, Exhibition Mode (practice matches with a selected A.I. opponent), or to jump on Live. The single player mode is made up of 4 tournaments, each containing just a few matches. But just as the Devil likes to deceive, you'd be wrong to think the game is too short to bother with. While you may quickly breeze through the first tournament, the difficulty ramps up considerably in subsequent tournaments and it will take a lot of practice and wit in order to best all the A.I. opponents.

Playing game? Or Playing God?

To play a match, you will first select from a handful of characters, each with strengths and weaknesses. For example, Haley is quick on her feet, but is not great at serving, while Luc has a mean backspin, but probably suffers from alcoholism. Sports game fans may take issue with the absence of a character creation feature, but men really should not play God and meddle with creation. Besides, the 11 characters (including ones you unlock by completing the game) that Rockstar present here cover the spectrum of strengths/weaknesses well, and you should have no problem picking a character to your preferred playing style. Also, each of the characters have unique personality traits, such as a subtle sneer, or a triumphant foot stomp that make them very memorable.

The Devil's plan is simple...

Once in a game, the actual gameplay mechanic is very easy to pick up and perfect for the frenetic pace you'd imagine a table tennis game to be and a training tutorial is included to show you the basics. Four different kinds of shots (topspin, backspin, left spin and right spin) are mapped to the 4 face buttons of the controller, and the left analog stick controls your movement around the table. You can hold down one of the button before your bat makes contact with an incoming ball to increase the power applied to it, and with the button held down, you may also move the left analog stick to adjust the direction of the ball. Instead of the 4 face buttons, you may also use the right analog stick to control the spin on the ball. I personally prefer using the buttons, as they feel more precise to me.

A few frills are also present to make a match more complex and exciting, such as a serve meter that gives you control, if you have good reflexes, the power and amount of spin on the serve. Also, a focus meter fills up as you place spin on shots during the match, and when unleashed, allows you to enter a 'focus mode' for a short while, giving your shots that extra 'oomph'. You can also surprise an opponent with a single, more powerful shot (by using up some focus bar energy before it fills up) by holding down a bumper button, or return a powerful smash with a drop shot that will have you grinning with glee when the other player fumbles to catch it. This control system is intuitive and won't take long to learn, but to become a master at the game you will need to learn to combine different techniques, and to know when to use them against your opponent effectively.

And that's how you form a cult!

Playing against the A.I. controlled characters is a lot of fun, but they still feel, well, artificial, as they tend to stick to their strengths and rarely surprise you. Fortunately, the game can be played on Xbox Live with up to 7 other people around the world in an 8-player tournament. You can also opt for single matches for a quick fix, or join a game as a spectator to watch how others play it. Creating a match online allows you to adjust conditions such as the number of games in a match, or how many points a game lasts for. The online experience is only marred slightly by some lag that can creep into a match from time to time. The game deals with lag by either pausing a shot, or have the ball move fluidly while your opponent remains motionless. It is jarring the first few times you see it, and may cause you to miss a shot, but it actually works well most of the time.

The Devil, in his many forms

One of the most striking things about Rockstar Presents Table Tennis is that it looks fantastic. Character models look disturbingly realistic, and have the moves to match too. On top of distinctive personalities and small quirks that make them more human, these characters event sweat convincingly, and you can watch their shirts dampen and eventually becomes soaked, and beads of sweat form on their forehead over the course of a game. The environments are simple, but just like the rest of the game, contain a surprisingly amount of detail to make the experience more immersive.

As 'next-gen' as the visuals are in this game, it is the sound effects that stands out in making a virtual table tennis match such a joy. You wouldn't think that recording sound effects for a ping pong match would be complex, but the way Rockstar handles the sounds of the ball bouncing off the table, the bat striking the ball, the huffing and grunting of the players as they grow fatiqued, and the cheering and booing from the crowd, is nothing short of masterful. Subtle sound effects are also used effectively to 'heighten' key moments in gameplay, such as during focus mode, or a long rally. Together with the visuals, Rockstar puts up an impeccable facade that will impress even the most hardened gamers.